Whispers and Wishes

Spring is in the air! (and has been for a while now...)

Recently, I've been wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.  Not that I don't usually wonder about it.  But it's become this incessant niggling thought that's tucked not-so-far-away in my brain rather than the usual I'm annoying-swat-me-away whisper of an idea.  I'm not quite sure why.  Perhaps it's the onslaught of midterms, the fact that graduation is just around the corner, or hell, maybe even the warm weather, but I've been doing a good bit of reflecting.

I can say that I think I've become a little more lost than when I first entered the university.  In my senior year of high school, I was leaning towards becoming an educator.  That's what I wrote for my personal statements and applications and such.  I can say that it's still a viable option, but I no longer have the same conviction as I did before.  Maybe it's the idea of spending my life doing one thing that puts me on edge.  I know I'm not supposed to think of it like that.  After all, if one loves what they're doing, it becomes a labor of love.  Work because you love doing this certain type of work.  But that might just be the thing.  I've always been sort of a middle-of-the-road type of person.  I don't think I really have one sort of thing that I am really good at or that I love doing.  With academics, I can do the sciences and I can do the humanities (at least I think I can...) but I don't particularly excel at either.  Just satisfactory, passable work.  Nothing really special.  Maybe if I were really good at one, it would make my choice of a career a little easier.  I always said that I wanted to be in a position where I can help people.  I still do.  But I don't know if my heart is big enough to allow me to do that well enough.

At this point and time in my higher education, I regret the past three years I've been here.  And that's entirely my fault.  I farted my way through these three years of school, when really, I should have put more effort into the things I've been doing.  Looking at my present self, and comparing it to the me from elementary/high school...all I can say is, wow.  The girl now is seriously lacking.  Something changed during my last two years of high school.  I think I stopped caring about really doing well, and instead started to think about how to do okay with the least amount of effort.  This mentality carried over to the university and as a result, my first three years of college suffered for it.  My parents paid for my EXPENSIVE college education and I'm not sure what I have to show for it.  Many of my friends are working or applying for grad school or studying for entrance exams, and I'm here just trying to get through a single day.  Sometimes, I can't even do that.  I think it's because I'm waiting for something, an answer of some sort, or a sign from above to fall into my lap to show me what I should do.  Perhaps it's the result of my previous years of school.  I thought things were going to go my way, so I've sat passively on the sidelines.  I think I've been incorrect to think that way; I'm starting to look at it in a different light.  The reason why things have been so easy in the past (besides the glaringly obviously fact that were ACTUALLY easier of course...) is because I put in a lot of hard work to make things so.  Now that I'm definitely not working as hard as I can...it might be making things just that much more difficult.  More difficult than they really need to be.  I think we, as humans, make everything a lot harder than it needs to be.  But that's a tangent and discussion best left for another day.

Hrm.  I actually lied.  There is one thing that I absolutely love doing that I consider my labor of love, though it's less work/labor, and more of a hobby.  I absolutely love music.  Most of my friends know that I spend an ungodly amount of time updating and organizing my music collection.  We're talking about hours, days, weeks, months, and years.  It never ends.  There's always something new to discover, fix, and appreciate.  For whoever's stumbled upon Entitatis...well.  Most of my posts and purchases are geared towards music.  If I could make a living out of it, I'd just organize music for the rest of my life.  Er.  I recognize it's not very practical though.  First of all, I don't think I've heard of a profession like that.  Aha.  Secondly, it'll probably  leave me beyond blind from all the hours at staring at a monitor.  Not to mention fat and hunchbacked.  Lord knows my posture now leaves a lot to be desired.  Anywho, another thing I'd love to also do is read.  Not to edit or anything like that.  Just reading for fun.  That'd be awesome.  But also, the stuff made from dreams.  After all, if well got to do what we wanted for a living...well.  Let's just leave it at that, shall we?

I can't promise to myself that I'll start studying all possible hours or that I'll start doing lots of new things.  But I guess what I can say is that I can try to put a little more heart in whatever I choose to do from this point on.  So even when I'm as lost as I am now, I might stand to be a little less regretful and a little more hopeful.

Here's to.  Cheers.

Heh.

A lot people make huge fusses over birthdays.  A lot of people don't.  I guess being fairly certain that I aced my midterm today is a good present!  Although I've been eying some of the merchandise on CDJapan and YesAsia for the past few days...*twitches*  And one of my good friends is highly encouraging me to...hehehe. *twitches some more* Meow.^-^

Best birthday song ever. :D